Posted 03 May 2012 02:26
(Typed this up an hour ago. I'm so proud of myself for typing words.)
Today, I told myself that I was going to type up a self-reflection. Several hours later, it is now 8:33 pm, I have less than 2 hours before I leave for work, and I am now just getting started on it.
To start this out, I will pose a question. One question to get the ball rolling, so to speak. One question that will provide insight. Let us get started, shall we?
What do I want in life?
The question is specific enough for me to answer, and just vague enough to make me think.
I've never really sat down and thought about this one. Sure, I've made some short term goals pertaining to this, but I've never actually sat and thought about what I truly want out of life. And it's surely a lot to think about. I could want a number of things. I could want something as shallow and arbitrary as money, or I could want something as deep and complex as love. The multitude of responses only makes it that much more thought provoking.
But I want neither of those two things. I'm perfectly content with my current position with those, and feel no need to want more of each. For others, that may be exactly what they want with life. For me, I'm looking for something that may be a little more, simple. Or perhaps, necessary.
Success, maybe? Success is such a vague term in itself-interpreted many different ways by many different people. To me, I'm already successful. Maybe not by common standards, but I find myself successful. I have a job, I'm moving out of the house in less than a month, I'm going to school, and I have friends with whom I do things with on a regular basis. To me, I am successful.
On the topic of school though: I don't like it. That is the part of my success that I want to change. Everyone tells me that I need to go to college to better my future, but what if it doesn't "better my future?" I hear stories all the time of people who have spent thousands of dollars on their degrees, only to get stuck with a lesser job outside of their field. On top of that, my college experience has been one that I have detested. I do not like the people, the classes, the environment. I don't want to sit in a classroom for the next four years, "learning a trade." I want to apply myself now. I've given myself next semester off to think about what I really want vs. what is truly best for me. Let's hope that goes well.
But back to the topic at hand. Perhaps I want to make myself a happier person? That would certainly make sense. I can't remember the last time I was actually happy. Sure, there have been the uplifting moments where I've given the occasional smile, but nothing that has truly made me happy. And if there ever was, I can't remember it. There have been a lot of things that have brought me down over the years: My dad walking out on me, relatives and friends dying, being bullied throughout most of my school years, becoming slowly estranged from my parents because of my sexuality. Hell, on one occasion it the depression sent me to the hospital because I thought suicide was the best way out.
But I think I know what it is I want. I want to be able to feel true happiness for once in my life. I want to be able to say, "I was happy." I want to hold on to that moment; cherish it as something special. I want to finally be happy.
So again, I pose the question: What do I want in life?
To which I answer: I want to finally be happy.
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