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The Glorious Grey Matter - Chapter 1: Welcome to New York


Avatar Gemini Guardian
15 Jul 2018 18:58
Well, this is a good beginning yes. But there are a few weird moments where it feels rushed or not explained in enough detail, such as when Chris touched the quartz and his hand felt like rubber. Did he touch his hand with his other? What does it mean that his hand suddenly felt like rubber? Or during the subway ride, you could have inserted some backstory instead of skipping right to when he gets to school.

A bit of the dialogue also feels a little off, or maybe just bland? I dunno, it feels cliché to me. The dynamics between characters could be improved in future parts.

These may be just nitpicks of mine, but hey, there's always room to improve.
Avatar oswaldo123
17 Jul 2018 07:49
In reply to Gemini Guardian
Re-reading this part again, yeah that thing with the bully is pretty cheeseyyy
Avatar Finrod
17 Jul 2018 01:13
In reply to Gemini Guardian
Actually what i said about previous stories in the past.
Avatar MIMtheHERO
15 Jul 2018 08:59
As always, this is the best!
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