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Trivaul Pt. 1

Comments

Avatar cdog3789
09 Jul 2019 06:46
Japan is yes
Avatar Siling-La
28 Jun 2019 18:48
"turned on the shower and took a bath" is the only mistake I've noticed so far. But as Finrod said, you could do better transitions with better word choice. for instance, "...the door went loose, the door feel to the floor." could be written to be more flowing if you said, the door came loose, and fell down with a crash!

But enough criticism! I really enjoyed it and the cliff-hanger really makes me want a part 2!
Avatar Nightjumper13
30 Jun 2019 05:04
In reply to Siling-La
Thanks : D
Avatar Finrod
28 Jun 2019 23:48
In reply to Siling-La
Oh dang I didn't even notice that, then again I admit to skimming some parts, :// but yeah it's still grammatically correct, its just that if you turn on a shower head you wouldn't be bathing xD
Avatar Siling-La
29 Jun 2019 06:06
In reply to Finrod
exactly!
Avatar Finrod
28 Jun 2019 17:03
Oh god, there's no comments. Guess I'll give some nice criticism, hopefully...

it's a little fast transitioned, it's long which is REALLY nice but maybe you could add a little descriptive words to even out the transition between one scene and another.
For example "As I was walking I noticed my flashlight was slowly loosing light, great timing. I used up the rest of the battery until it died." has a lot of action but little descriptive word play(s). The flashlight losing its light is a good way to provide context, but "I used up its light till it died" Is more written within an action sequence and not "real world-ly" almost like a script, you could change it to something like "After I reached ____ the battery in the light flickered and went dark" just an example but what I'm saying is you could EXPAND on it. Instead of giving only a action sequence.

Grammar and everything else looks fine though!!, correct me if I'm mistaken.
Avatar Nightjumper13
30 Jun 2019 05:04
In reply to Finrod
Wah, thanks
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