I thought I was getting better, so why is this feeling back? I thought I was finally okay again, after spending three months in my room i actually want to leave it. So why do I still hate myself? It feels just as bad as it did then. I thought now would be different, but its the same as back then.

Whenever I think I've improved I'm shown that I haven't moved an inch and it was just the people around me that moved. I want to get better, but what if my unspoken fear comes to life when I ask for help? It'd be easier to just say nothing than ask for help. But is it? Is it easier to stay in this pain? My brain says no, but my heart is to scared to move. So I stay. Despite how loud the screaming in my head tells me to move, I stay. It's easier to just stand here, Right?
If I can't even ask my teacher for help how could I possibly ask my parents for help? I don't know why I'm so scared of asking for help. It's the one thing I actually NEED.
I don't NEED yesterdays notes that I missed, I don't NEED the answers for this math problem. I NEED help.

But no matter how hard I scream it in my head,
Nothing comes out.
The words are filling up my stomach and are crawling up my throat. But instead of letting them out, I clamp my jaws shut and swallow them down, and I tell myself, "This is easier than telling, right?" "What if I get rejected? This will avoid the stress of unnecessary conflict" And this is when I get lost in my thoughts with all that could go wrong. But, why can't I tell anyways?

Why can't I just be like everyone else and ask for help? My parents wont deny me therapy. But I still sit here, my mouth full of untold words screaming to get out. I want to let them out, but when the time comes I find my mouth Empty.