Lately, I have noticed a fair amount of conflict happening on sdk, and instead of everyone coming to me or HB and telling on each other I think it would be a lot more productive if you learned the skills to resolve conflicts by yourselves. I am in no way a licensed therapist, but I do feel that I can offer some helpful advice to you guys.

Learning how to communicate and solve problems is not just something that can help you on sdk, it's something that can be of a big benefit for you in life, as you will always encounter people you don't get along with, and problems.

To solve any problem you're having with another human being, the number one key ingredient, is having good communication. If someone insults you, it is more productive to ask, "and why would you think that?" and have them explain why they are annoyed, rather than just calling them names back. Remember that every action we take has a reason, and asking the person what they are trying to accomplish by calling you names could reveal their motives, which should lead to honest communication.

Of all the time you guys have observed me on this web site have I ever lost my temper? (Ok, maybe once or twice, but hey, I am human.) Granted, being on a computer is not the same as being face to face, you have a minute to calm yourself, and think out an intelligent response before typing, which is likely why I generally seem calm here. Here are some basic rules I try to live by.

1. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
That may seem obvious, but we often forget it. This means if someone makes you mad, it's still not right for you to take vengeance. In the end your anger to this other person won't hurt them, but it will eat you up, and it's not worth it. Even if it does hurt them, what have you accomplished? They're hurt, you're hurt, now they may want to get back at you... it's a ridiculous cycle, but one that you can easily avoid, by simply being being mature and not letting it get started.

2. Always take the moral high ground.
This falls in with what I was just saying above. If you always do what you know in your heart to be right, even if the incident escalates, you still can't receive blame. From my admin standpoint here when people come to me with issues about other members, in the end, I couldn't care less who started it, unless someone is mature enough to end it, you will both eventually get in trouble. Note that this doesn't give you reason to feel you are better than that person, let your actions speak for you, and don't rub your doing the right thing in their face... that is not what maturity is.

3. Communication, communication, communication.
Always remember that every action someone takes has a motive, and if you can understand that motive, you will be able to solve the dilemma. Good communication means relying on sound judgement instead of fleeting emotion. No matter how mean someone is to you, cussing them out, or yelling back, will not solve the problem. Also accusing someone else and judging them, won't lead to good communication. For example, if Bob and Sally are in a chat, and Bob seems to be bragging constantly it won't solve the problem if Sally blurts out, "Gosh, why are you always bragging? It's annoying." Chances are that Bob doesn't even realize that his actions are perceived as bragging. A good way for Sally to address this may be to say, "Bob, sometimes when you elaborate on your achievements it doesn't make me feel good because, to me, it seems like you're trying to outdo everyone else." The second response may get an answer such as, "I didn't realize I was doing that, I will try to tone it down." Bob's response to Sally's bad confrontation would like end up in name calling, and feelings being hurt.
So when addressing issues like this, make sure you are not accusatory, instead keep emphasizing how these actions are making you feel, but don't do it in a way that judges or places blame on the other person. If you can get them to figure out for themselves how their actions may be affecting others, they much more likely to try to change them.

4. "Why is it so easy to see the speck of sawdust in your neighbor's eye, but so hard to see the plank in your own?" -Matthew 7:3.
Again, a lot of times people have no idea that how they are acting is making you uncomfortable. Remember to not judge too harshly as you likely do many things that other people are not pleased with either. This doesn't mean you can't try to point out some things that go too far, but it does mean that even in pointing something bad out about someone else, always remember, that you are a flawed human being as well, and are not better than anyone else.

5. You are not able to change anyone, ever. If someone changes it is because they choose to change, not because you force them.
This truth holds for a lot more than a passing online argument. It's true for friends, dating, and kind of relationship. I'm not saying people can't change, or that you can't be a factor in their changing, just that you cannot force anyone else's motives. You can preach all you want, but if that person heeds your advice or not, is in their hands, not yours.

6. If someone bullies you, and reasoning with them, anything you try, won't work, it is best to "turn the other cheek," and by this I mean, ignore anything mean they say or do.
If a group of people is teasing you the only thing they get from it is your reaction. If they never get a reaction, they will have no point in teasing you, they have no motive. At first the teasing may get worse, because they feel that if they can break your silence they have won, but eventually it will get boring and they will back off. But what is so important here is that you cannot falter in your resolve. No matter what they say, you cannot give them the satisfaction of a response, if you do, you will set all your progress back.


7. Hate the sin, not the sinner.
No matter what someone does, try to keep your anger and disgust on the action itself and not the person. Forgive, and let it go. Forgiving someone else will take a lot of burden off your own shoulders.

I find that these general rules help in most every situation. It's important that you learn ways to resolve conflict and communicate effectively now because they are skills that will benefit you for the rest of your lives. Just remember, no matter how mad someone makes you, don't let your emotions give the response, calm down first and then give a rational response, if one is even warranted.