My name is Diablo, Marcus Diablo and I was born in Brampton, Canada and I am 12 years old. I have spiky snow white hair, my height is about 5.3â€, I am pretty strong (if I do say so myself) and I have black eyes. I have a mom but she has cancer and is going to die early. However, she may as well be the nicest person on earth. My dad, Josh Diablo is cool, well, was cool. You see, he died in a car accident years ago. So it’s just my mom and me now. Anyways, right now it is very cold. I am walking to the gas station to pick up some soup for my mom and myself. While I was walking I felt a whip of cold air. Oh how I hated winter, but the view was calming, the bare trees with the snow on the branches, snow on the ground and chipmunks cuddling in their tree holes. Even the cars seemed to move gracefully. When I arrived at the gas station, I was greeted by a chubby man named Eugene. “Hey Mark, What’s up? Do you want the usual?†He asked. “Ya, the usual.†I replied. The gas station smelled like rotten fish and the floor tiles were cracked. The strange thing was, it had a happy atmosphere; I always thought that is was this because of Eugene with his jolly self. He ducked under the counter and came back up with two cans of soup. “Here you go, that’ll be two dollars please.†He told me. I handed him the toonie and headed out while giving a small wave good-bye. While I was walking home I felt a horrible feeling, I felt as if I was being watched. I turned around to look so fast I almost lost my balance. Nobody was there. I noticed something else, none of the cars on the street where there. Right then and there, the atmosphere changed, strangely not to gloom or loneliness, just, nothing. I told myself I was just daydreaming, but then I saw a shadowy figure. It seemed to have spiky hair just like mine, but nobody has spiky hair like me except for…my dad. I ran towards him, he started to run too. Then I stopped and thought to myself: that’s impossible! He died years ago! Then I realized it was him; he was wearing a black tight t-shirt to show off his muscles and was wearing black baggy track pants. I tried to hug him teary eyed but me, my hug and my tears went right through him. “What the heck?†I reacted. Marky, this is all in your head.†Dad told me. “How?†I asked. “I managed to make you see me while I’m dead.†He explained. “But--†I tried to ask but he cut me off. “That’s all I can explain. Just listen, I didn’t die in a car crash, someone betrayed me and I don’t know who though, so it’s up to you to find out whom.†He told me. “But how?†I asked with confusion. “That’s up to you Marky, it’s up to you.†Then he faded away, while this was occurring, the bare trees with snow on the branches, the chipmunks, everything reappeared. I looked at my watch (which was a high tech water resistant one) and strangely no time had passed while I was talking to my dad. I just shrugged and continued walking home.
When I got home I was greeted by my mom’s warm smile. My house is pretty good-- actually it’s awesome, everything was perfect. The couches were clean and soft like clouds, in fact, the only two differences between clouds and the couches are that your don’t sink through them and you don’t get wet. The carpets were awesome as well; you could fall from a height of five feet and feel no pain. When I say no pain I mean no pain I mean none. Zilch. The television is awesome too it has astounding graphics, it’s like you’re actually in the movie while watching. The walls are painted dark brown and that was also the color of the couches and the carpets. So anyways, my mom and I sat down for dinner. “So how was Eugene doing?†She asked. “He was his usual jolly self.†I replied with a grin. Mom smiled too. “So son, your grandparents have invited you to visit them in Mexico, what do you say to that?†“Awesome!†I exclaimed. “Well, you leave tomorrow.†“What, you’re not coming?†I asked. “Oh don’t worry about me, I’ll be just fine.†“Well…just don’t push yourself too much.†“Don’t worry, just have fun!†she assured me. I hugged her then climbed up to my room and closed the door. I immediately started to think about that vision of mine. Two little voices in my head argued: “Come on let’s find out who killed dad!†One voice argued. “Oh don’t know, what about grandpa and grandma?†The other voice replied. Oh wait… you’re right…Mexico is way more fun!†The first voice agreed. Then I simply fell asleep.
the overall plot you have layed out is a very good, albeit a bit played out. The only possible complaint is this; where is the exposition? You only spent one scentence saying that his dad died, and that his mom was dying. Try re-writing it on paper, as a whole story. then you could fit in some introductions.