Now, this story focuses heavily on Japanese culture. Since I do not live in Japan I nicley ask with a please to tell me my mistakes so that I can find a way to fix them. Thank You.
note: hi is spoken like he
The Pilot
Me and my party all samuri. The leader of the party has red hair, with the traditional pony tail coming from the back of his head. His eyes were blood red. He wore a kimono that was, as well, red and the sheath for his blade on his right hip. His name is Hi. Then Ao, a man slightly taller than Hi with black hair and the same traditional pony tail.His eyes were blue and he wore a blue kimono with his sheath on his right hip. Then there is me. Being a former ninja, I was the least traditional. I was albino, that is, I was all white, had blonde hair, and yellow eyes. I wore a yellow kimono with the sheath for my katana on my back. Unlike the rest of basicly the rest of the males in Japan, I did not have a pony tail. Instead I had short hair spiked all around. We all wore those boring wooden sandels. I hated those, their too loud and clunky.
"Rai," Hi said, scolding me for no aparent reason. "when we get into the Daimyo's chambers you will be on your best behavior." I soon responded snidly, "Why are you scolding me?"
"Why you ask?" Hi replied. "A: You used to be a ninja, and B: you tend to act up a lot."
"W-" I thought for a moment while I thought of what to say next. "well thats the old me!" Hi's face grew angry, "You may not be a ninja any more, but you sure as hell do still act up."
"What are talking about?!" responded quickly. "What do you mean 'What are you talking about?' Just an hour ago you scared a little girl!" I was getting antsy at this point, "Stop being so grumpy old man." I seemed to have struck a nerve there, as Hi scolded me saying, "That is it! You are banished from the party! Now leave!" I started to grow a grinn, but then realization came to me and I fell to my nees pleading, "No, please! I'll try harder to do better! If I don't do this then-" memories of my parents shot threw my head.
The Daimyo found out that our family were ninjas and killed them. All that was left was me and my siblings. The eldest male of the house holds, by law, must be a samuri. Terror shot through my face as the memory of my parents getting murderd ran over and over again in my mind.
"C'mon Hi, give the kid another chance." Ao replied.
"Fine," Hi replied to Ao. "one more shot, but if you get out of hand once I will slay you like a dragon." I didn't really know how to react to this, untill Ao held out his hand to help me on my feet. "So? Do you understand?" Hi told me. "Yes!" I told him, putting my most serious look on my face.
The group walked down a hallway with lanterns lighting it. We got to big doors that were side by side. They were painted gold and had dragons sculpted into them. The handle bars were more gold dragons. [i]This is why I don't like this government,[/i] I commented to myself, looking at the expensive door. "Rai," Hi spoke as if he was about to order me to do something. "Open the door."
Ok. I have some advice. You need to have a better intro, be more explanatory. Try to get the reader's attenion than having an immediate description of the characters. You need a back plot to start off with. Spelling needs to be worked with too.Other than that, the rest is fine.