Previously...

"Somebody has been stealing milk, but whom may that be?"
"It was Elda"
"Mwhahaha! I am the Milk Thief"
"You monster!"

---

I had recently been moved to a different cell. This room was very cramped. I could smell the blood of previous captivates and hear the buzz of flies. This was too elaborate for such a petty crime. Who was the Milk Thief? Why would it take the time to remove me from the picture? I heard some footsteps from the distance. It was a slow, calm pace. Their plan was going well.

I then did some maths. There was fifty houses on the street. Thirty of which got milk delivered to them. The probability of the Milk Thief missing a house was probably 1/20. The Milk Thief must therefore have 28.5 cartons of milk. This means that the Milk Thief has already drank one and a half cartons! I had to stop it!

I pretended to be ill from the meal I just had. As the guard walked in, I punched him in the 'man area' and briskly apologised (you never punch a man in that region) as he cowered in the corner. I walked out the cell.

The building was actually quite well kept for something so derelict. It was probably a more permanent base. I then spotted two guards and quickly concealed myself in a bin.
"Wait, that bin..."
"It's just a bin bro..."
"It's different though..."
"Did you take too much medication?"
"It's looking at me!"
"I'll take that as yes?"
"Ahh! Get the bin away from me!"
"Yeah... That's going on youtube..."
"Please!"
"Let's move on..."

I slowly edged myself towards an office and slowly opened the door. I caught a glimpse of the Milk Thief drinking milk...
"Put the milk down!" I yelled
"You're under arrest, Milk Thief!" exclaimed Grunt
"Grunt?"
"I'm an undercover Police Officer, I was sent to uncover the milk stealing operation."
"Good for you Grunt, now, let's take a look at the Milk Thief..."
I pulled off the Milk Thief's mask to reveal... My wife?
"Hahaha!" You always drank milk straight from the carton! Eventually, I started stealing milk so I could enjoy it without your disgusting ways!"
"You're under arrest!"

That's the story of how we solved The Mystery of the Malevolent Milk Thief. Also, the Paranoid Guard became a Youtube sensation. True story.