Oh my good golly gosh. I feel terrible. I need help.

I don't know how it happened, but I think I'm turning into a vampire. Before you complain about this not being serious, just what the hell did you expect after reading the title "I think I'm a vampire"?

SOMETHING TOTALLY SERIOUS!

Vampires aren't a joking matter. They kill people

Anywho, I've been showing vampiric qualities lately. I have very pale skin. I sleep most of the day. The sun burns my eyes and skin. And women can't resist me. I know because they always ask me out when they see my sexy bloodshot eyes.

"Oh my gosh, are you okay? Let me take you to the hospital"

Now I'm sure you have doubts about whether I'm really becoming a vampire. You may be thinking those vampire qualities I mentioned may just be the effects of something else I won't mention by name on a family site. Something adult. Something I do at night with groups of other people. Let's call it volunteering.

Volunteering at night may explain why I'm so tired, BUT being a vampire is the only logical explanation for profuse amounts of stuff shooting out of my mouth after too much volunteer work. It's the vampire in me getting rid of the good in me. The good in me just happens to take the form of partially dissolved bits of what I ate earlier.

What's more, I've also developed crippling depression and I'm covered in glitter when I get home from volunteering. That proves I'm a vampire because vampires are always depressed and shiny. Haven't you seen Twilight?

You can go and think I just volunteer too much causing me to be exhausted and ill which in turn causes my body to develop vitamin deficiencies through excessive vomitting and lack of sunlight which then results in depression and sensitivity to light, BUT I KNOW THE TRUTH!

I'm a vampire.

What's worse, I think they figured out how to turn people into vampires without touching them. I didn't feel a thing when the transformation began four years ago.

Please help me.