Life is feeling the same. A monotonous cycle that leaves me depressed. I'm just writing this because I have to get this out. I always have so much to share with the world, but I'm not accepted. I'm torn between acceptance and individuality I want people to see who I am and not judge, but people are not like that. I'm not like that. We're selfish beings who think each is the best deep down inside. My fears bind me, but especially my fear of falling into the normal, which my life is. I try my best and it's not quite there. I always come short and fail miserably. I lack the passion for breaking these chains, so I cannot achieve victory. I want the passion, but it's not there. Instead I'm faced with the demons of humanity. They taunt me and twist my thoughts so I cannot focus on the important. I'm just stuck with this life I've gotten stuck in. Last summer when mowing, I heard a song that opened my eyes to who I am. The truth set me free of the chains of ignorance but the chains of fear from knowing quickly took it's place. I realized how I never act like myself when faced with someone physically. I hide behind a mask of one with a great life, one which I covet. I try and fix my life by showing others what I want it to be, because your outward appearance is all others see. When I try and show my real self, it's not near as good and gets rejected. I get hate for who I am and what I love. Nobody wants my ideas and knowledge. They don't want to learn and theorize. They just want to live for the moment, which I wish I could do while being glad I don't. I can't seem to find the security I act like I have. Emotionally, I just need to get it out. Physically, I can't carry a pistol until I'm 18 and my dad won't let me keep my shotgun in my closet. I'm always waiting for that moment someone tries to break down my door or rape me. I think I don't depend on anyone emotionally, yet I need to share everything and am fascinated by others lives. I feel so blessed and cursed being homeschooled. I'm glad I'm not around idiots all day, but I don't get anyone to talk to. My sister is perfect, my brother is immature, and I don't trust my own parents. So I'm always alone. I don't have internet friends who'll listen to me. I don't have a community of others like me. It's like the song I covered recently, Someone Like Me. I feel like I'll never find someone like me. Everything rushes by, and I'm just sitting far away, wishing I could join. I feel like a stranger in my life, and I don't have anyone to call on. I've just been watching and waiting. That's all I've been doing. I can't find someone who understands these chains I wear, or even cares to learn. I just wait. Wait for nothing. The future ahead is dark and full of pain, yet the bloody insticts of humans keep them from ending this life. We're held on by an imaginary hope that somehow things'll change. But it won't. We just drag along searching for something we'll never find or even know. I feel like that's it. Just waiting. But I'm tired of waiting. I want to make a change in this world, but I'm held back and alone. How can one make a difference on his own? He can't. He needs help and support, but I can't find that. I search in vain and wait... I just... Wait...