"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."

"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."

"People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."

"IF life gives you lemons? Does that mean life could give you something else? Can I have ice cream?"

"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."

"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."

"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. (genius)"

"Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I."

"Weather forecast for tonight: dark."

"We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know."

"Life is hard. After all, it kills you."

"If two wrongs don't make a right, try three."

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."