My breath is unsteady, my heart is beating fast, too fast. He`s going to hurt her or worse; he`s going to kill her. God please, please don`t let him do anything bad to her. That`s all that runs threw my mind, those thoughts wrestle and claw at each other over and over again. My head is throbbing, I feel dizzy. God please help me. Help her.
It`s been a long time since I`ve asked for God`s help, let alone prayed. I haven`t been so desperate for His help since my father was sent to jail, I haven`t needed it. But I decide to pray because God is my last hope. Please don`t take her away, please? I think repeatedly.
How could she not care? Does she want to get hurt? Does she want to die? No, my mother would not be as selfish as to actually risk her life to say everything is fine, but knowing deep inside her future lies in his hands and be okay with it. Or would she? No. No.
"NO!"
"Sage? Sage, sweetheart, no what?" my grandmother asks, clearly startled.
"What? What are you talking about?" I ask, very confused.
"You just yelled 'no'... Why?" I look down,
"I`m sorry," I say. "I was just thinking about mom, and I guess my thoughts were enough to make me say something like that out loud, sorry."
"If your mother isn`t worried about anything, you shouldn`t be either. Besides, I`m sure she has a plan-just in case- if he does come about to do something bad. She`ll be okay, I promise." I let her words awaken the monster deep within me. I let her promise stay glued to my mind, and suddenly I feel a new kind of anger, one worse than what I thought would ever be possible, I feel it bleed into me, into every cell. I let my rage settle in its rightful thrown, right in my heart. Hot tears well in my eyes, but I hold them back because I know I need to save these feelings for something bigger.
Suddenly, I`m mad at the world. I hate everyone who`s ever hurt me and lied to me. But most of all I hate myself, I don`t know why and I don`t know when I even started.