Logo
Login
Welcome, Guest.
Login | Register

the theif

RP Avatar By potatochips123321.5
POSTED: 18 Feb 2019 00:58
CATEGORY: Short Story
FEATURED: No (Luisjo96)
(Go to comments)
the butcher saw the theif pick locking his chest and started shouting ''police police'' the theif had no time to take the gold so he took the silver and ran the police were on his tail. The bridge was ahed and he had two choices jump or get arrested. So he jumped as he plunged into the ice cold water guns fired sudenly the water turned red ...
+2 -0
Avatar Avatar

Comments

Avatar Nearan-Nadorian
18 Feb 2019 03:04
You have potential here, you just need some work on your sentences and detail. Like make sure to tell the reader what he decide, jump or areest? Because every extra but necessary detail matters!
Avatar Sun+Moon
18 Feb 2019 12:31
In reply to Nearan-Nadorian
Throughly agreed. But good job
Avatar potatochips123321.5
18 Feb 2019 12:39
In reply to Sun+Moon
Thanks
Avatar potatochips123321.5
18 Feb 2019 03:14
In reply to Nearan-Nadorian
and this is the 2nd version
Avatar Nearan-Nadorian
18 Feb 2019 03:16
In reply to potatochips123321.5
Aye, and with that, I want to congratulate you on the effort, keep on revising it.

Tbh I would be more then happy and make a copy of it and give you my own personal edit, if that's ok?
Avatar potatochips123321.5
18 Feb 2019 03:12
In reply to Nearan-Nadorian
ok i will
Home
Nintendo 3DS is ™ Nintendo Co. Ltd. This website is ©2009-2024 HullBreach Studios. All rights reserved. Members are responsible for their own content. No account information will be given to third-parties without your consent.