Oh god its T h i s movie. The worst movie. Ok not the worst movie, but it's pretty bad. I haven't rewatched this movie in months so uh, I don't remember exactly what happens so maybe this review might potentially not contain spoilers? It probably will but I really don't know why you'd want to sit through this. I sat through it 3 times and regretted every choice I made up to that point each time so you knowww.. anyway.


The Doom movie is just extremely boring. Like there's stuff going on but who really cares? Oh look its a not demon. Wow. Its my immense disappointment at all of this. At sitting through this more than once. There's one cool scene in this movie, and its at the very end. It's supposed to be an FPS style scene and it's actually really neat. It doesn't last very long though and then you're back to idfk The Rock? And whoever the other guy was. Karl Urban I think? I don't know actors ok.


You know how much this Doom movie has to do with Doom? Uhh there is Mars, and the UAC. That's literally it. There are literally no demons. Like, at all. There's things that barely look like demons, they're more body horror monstrosities that are barely even that. But they literally aren't demons. Just mutated people. I'm not fucking with you in the slightest. There are no demons in a movie about fucking Doom. There's also barely even any of the body horror monsters, and when they are there the movie's so god damn dark you can barely see what they look like. With the exception of one scene where one gets trapped half way in a wall. They don't look that cool really.


Even I fucking noticed that this movie barely had jack shit in relation to Doom and the first time I watched it I had never once played a Doom game. Or watched someone play it. And E V E N I COULD TELL. And I'm an oblivious dumbass.


So uh what's the plot of this boring trainwreck? A group of marines are sent to a UAC facility on Mars because someone fucked up and now everyone's dead.


While there a bunch of nothing happens Karl Urban's character gets pissy because his sister is there and they don't get along. More nothing, they go around helping whatever the bitches name was get UAC property and research back even though Karl Urban's character really doesn't want to.


Eventually they find Dr.Carmack. I think that was his name? He's acting completely crazy, but the sister is like “Nah man we gotta help him.” Even though, ya'know he kinda ripped his own ear off. Anyway they do that, most of the Marines go off and keep doing whatever it was they were supposed to be doing there, and trying to find whatever the fuck was killing people up there. So you know, it doesn't get back to Earth I guess.


Carmack's body disappears and no one fucking knows how and eventually they end up in the sewers while chasing something. They get attacked by a not demon and Goat dies. I liked him. He was kinda cool. Rip him. They kill the thing that killed Goat and drag it back to the sister who autopsies it because, of course. What else are you gonna do with a gross body horror monster? Leave it there? What are you some kinda fuckin normal person?


She finds out that oh hey this fucking thing has human organs. And then Goat comes back from the dead and kills himself. Rip him he dies twice. Then Carmack comes back, as one of those fucking monsters, cause no one here can catch a fucking break can they? He gets stuck halfway through a wall, which is how they realize that 1.) These monsters were people and that 2.) That's Carmack cause its got a missing ear.


The Rock's character kills Carmack, and then I think they went back to trying to find the UAC research and making sure none of these not actually demons get back to Earth. Slowly one by one the Marines are picked off after that. Until the main ones I remember being left for a bit are Karl Urban, The Rock, The weird pervert guy who dies trying to call for backup and the guy who had the chaingun and fought the not Hell Knight and I think got killed by it or shortly after.


Anway, Karl Urban's character has finally had enough of these mother fucking not demons and demands to know what the fuck the researchers up there were doing because people don't just turn into gross body horror monsters. The sister tries to lie for a second before finally relenting and relating some story of basically:


There was some ancient Martian Civilization that had an extra chromosome, it was artificial though, and basically it made them super strong and smart and shit or something. Cause that's totally how that works, but they all died. Obviously. They don't know why they all died.


Eventually the researchers either found a sample, or remade the extra chromosome and tested it on some random fucker. Mm ethics. It didn't go very well. They managed to basically find out that this thing is very selective. If you're a bad person, fuck you. Have fun being a monster. And if you're a good person, idfk know it does good shit I guess.


Understandably Karl Urban's character is p i s s e d about this, but because The Rock's character is an ass, he decides that “I saw none of that. Fuck you our job is to get this research back and keep anything from getting back to Earth”


So they all kind of fuck off, eventually because The Rock is just kinda going crazy over there, decides that when the one or two remaining Marines, other than himself and Karl Urban, find some scientists and just general remaining people that they need to be murdered because “Well they m i g h t have the thing.”


Nobody is fine with this. Karl Urban gets more pissy, the last Marine who was called The Kid refuses to shoot innocent people. So the Rock shoots him. Then just kinda fucks off.


Karl Urban and the sister go off to try and stop The Rock and get the fuck outta there. Eventually they end up having to hide because Karl Urban is wounded and suddenly there were a bunch of zombies I think? Or the Rock shot him, I really don't remember which. Either way he's dying and the sister decides that “Well there's 50/50 chance this extra chromosome either helps you or fucks up completely. Buuuut I believe you are a good person so u h, fuck you bitch” and injects him with it. He passes out and wakes up perfectly fine, cause he's the main character, obviously he can't actually die.


He leaves the room, the FPS section starts and he goes off to find his sister. Eventually at the end of the FPS section he runs back into The Rock, who has gone completely off the deep end. He's also infected with the thing. Oh boy.


They fight. Karl Urban wins cause of course, he finds his sister and then the movie ends.


The movie's really boring for the most part. After around the time Goat dies it picks up a little but the first half or so basically just nothing is happening. I guess other than that it ok?


Well as long as you pretend it's not supposed to be a movie about Doom. I don't absolutely hate it if I pretend it's its own thing. But yea it really has fuck all to do with Doom.


Like I get you'd probably have to change some shit if you wanted to actually make a movie about Doom and you know, not do whatever this was. Especially cause this was 2005 so I'm pretty sure no one would have expected it to be some Hardcore Henry style movie cause that came out like 10 years after this. That movie eventually did happen though and it worked.


But I mean, there aren't even demons. Or Hell. So what's the point of calling it Doom. It really should have just been its own thing in my opinion.


I really don't know if I recommend it or don't. It's not the worst thing, and I managed to sit through it 3 separate times, but like, I also don't like this movie for the most part. The first half is so boring. So I guess it's your call.


It could maybe be a fun movie to watch with your friends and make fun of. That's what I usually do with bad movies. It makes them more fun.