Stan lazed out of his bed for the fourth time this workweek.
"C'mon, sleepyhead. The coffee's gonna get cold!" a voice called from the kitchen.
"I'm coming, sweetie!" he responded.
Becoming more accustomed to his work schedule was rather tough. The later sunrises this time of year doesn't help, he mused as he brushes his teeth.
Haphazardly dressed, he enters the dining room and collapses into a chair. Stan stares at the usual waffles, egg, and bacon that his wife prepared for him.
"How is it?" she inquires.
"Very good, as usual," Stan mumbled through a mouthful of waffles. "Thanks for the coffee, Martha."
"No problem." Martha sits down across from Stan, staring at the shadow cast by his excessive eyebags.
The morning paper was retrieved, and Stan scanned through it quickly before folding it up and briskly heading out the door.
"Anything noteworthy?" Martha asked as she handed him a packed lunch.
"Not at all," he lied. "Love you."
With a peck on the forehead, he was off.
He deviated from his usual path to work to visit a store briefly.
Looking up, the grey and unflattering storefront gave way to red-brick condominiums above. The drab store had no sign and no hours posted, which stood out from the brightly colored buildings in the surrounding shopping district.
Stan stared at the storefront for a moment before walking off to work.
The work of an accountant is safe and scarcely exciting, which was what Stan was looking for. He had been given mostly menial tasks since he was still adjusting to the job and the company's protocols, and that allowed his mind to wander. On this particular day, Stan pondered what he saw in the newspaper earlier. Impossible, he muttered and refocused on the task at hand.
While on break, Stan slipped into a conversation with a coworker what was on his mind. They laughed it off, and they returned to work shortly after. "Welcome back, Stan!"
"Thank you, Martha. Great to see you again."
"There's no need to be so formal, you. We're married, right?"
"I can't help it, honey. Sitting behind a desk all day gets to you."
Stan hung his coat and slumped onto the couch, next to Martha.
"How's dinner coming along?"
"Oh, you. Always thinking about food. You better watch yourself," she warned while wagging her finger at him. Martha smiled, "I can whip it up real quick for you if you'd like."
"If you'd please." Stan returned the smile.
As she got up, Stan stopped her. "One thing, though."
"Oh?"
"I think it's about time we treat ourselves. You've worked so hard, after all. How does eating out tomorrow sound?"
Martha grinned. "Now wouldn't that be great? Of course!"
Stan continued, "I saw this interesting local restaurant in the paper this morning. I hope it doesn't disappoint."
"It better not!" came the response from the kitchen, followed by a hearty laugh.
"She's amazing, isn't she..." Stan remarked to no one in particular. The following morning was just as uneventful.
"Anything new? Any restaurants?" Martha teased.
"No, nothing of the sort."
He stopped by the storefront again. Nothing had changed. Stan even tried looking inside, but the windows were dark enough that he could see nothing.
Upon arriving at work, Stan noticed that a few of his coworkers were absent. He checked around the office, but he could find no trace of them.
He brought it up with his supervisor, who brushed it off. "Probably just had a family emergency." he scoffed.
Stan didn't bring it up again, but he quickly made a call to his friend, only to be met with a busy tone.
Stan, by now, had been swamped with work, so he paid no more attention to it until the end of the workday.
On his walk back home, Stan thought back to his previous conversations with his friends the day before while he made the detour to the storefront again.
"Do you want to join us for a round of drinks at the new restaurant?" he was asked.
"No, I can't this time, but do enjoy yourselves. Tell me how it goes," Stan had responded.
With overcast skies, the grey walls looked imposing as ever.
Stan had an uneasy feeling about this store, but he had made a promise to take his wife here for dinner. With thunder in the distance, Stan rushed home.
"Why in such a hurry?"
"I heard thunder, so I ran home. Didn't want to get wet."
"Ah, I see. It's good to see you!"
Stan only nodded and shifted his gaze away from Martha's illustrious eyes.
"Is something the matter? You seem a bit off."
"Well, Martha, my friends went drinking last night, and-"
"Oh, I know what'll cheer you up!" she interrupted. "How about we go out to eat today? Didn't you find a nice place in the paper the other day?"
"Ah, alright."
Stanley fetched his umbrella, and they departed in the ever-sonorous rain. Tracing the path that Stan took the past couple of mornings, the wife and husband arrived at the mysterious restaurant under unwelcoming skies. The door was unlocked, and a welcoming voice beckoned them in as they entered.
Since then, the store was sold and renovated into a garden boutique. Do not worry; Stan and Martha will forever live on, nourishing gardens throughout the town with their bones and flesh in the form of the store's flagship fertilizer.
a'ight, you asked for some,,, criticism, so i'll be tryin' my best to hand it over from both a reader's & a fellow writer's perspective
as a reader it is actually quite an interesting read. i definitrly see a massive improvement in your writing from the last piece of yours i read.
now
your transitions were,,, jarring (i'll let u figure this out on your own, to keep this short), cos it had pretty good pacing throughout the entirety of it if not for the couple hiccups. work on transitions a bit more
dialogue could use some w o r k. some of it was unnatural, felt like it didn't flow well. it seemed like how young kids would speak between peers.
it also felt misplaced in some spots, like when he thinks back to his convo with his co-workers, it just comes in too late. you should've had him remember the convo *on the way* as you said so previously, rather than directly once he arrived at the storefront.
there were also contradictions? especially with his wife
she desires more of an intimate relationship with her husband, & tries to do so with encouraging him to use less formal speech. but shortly after, she's talking to him as if he's the random neighbour she hasn't spoken to in 2 days.
& then at the end she notices that smth's wrong, asks him w h a t is wrong, then interrupts him as he speaks his worries
u m ????
woman pls
also the ending was
wow BAM sudden
fix that *coughtransitioncough*, in the future thank u
Finrod
28 Sep 2020 16:07
In reply to Gemini Guardian
This ^^^^ and also HAVE some transitions and descriptive words. After the first [ line ] the reader is just bombarded with quotation marks with nothing in between, it’s less of reading a story, and more of eavesdropping on someone’s text conversation. It’s too literal of a read. Have some more imagination and visuals in it. Also gem said it perfectly.
If that was your intent then yeah that’s a great idea. But I’d still feel descriptive writing would be a more entertaining read. Your goal as a story teller is to communicate an environment or scenario, view it through the readers eyes too! Its not enough to just give us a “cool scenario†or dialogue you gotta give us the feeling too, you did it pretty well for the ending. Make sure you story FEELS dramatic, not just inherently dramatic, from the scenarios you present.
I understand that filling in details does make quite a nice read, but I was trying to ride a fine line here with how much nuance I could work in by the virtue of manipulating a lack of information.
It's for that reason that I did choose to leave out crucial details while recreating a mental scene with words, but I definitely see what you mean.
The problem with that is that it only works really well in your mind as the author, but not others. It’s not going to achieve that effect you want. It’s pretty equivalent to storyboarding something but then not fulling fleshing out. And then claiming “well it’s supposed to be dotty, and jump from scene to scene†people are only going to see the lack of scenes and call u lazy, i don’t doubt that you had a good process thinking about it, but that’s just the poorest way to execute the “lack of information†scene you want. It’s fine if u wanna hide stuff from the reader but you’re literally thinking “taking out details†as in all the description, don’t hurt your own writing!
The rationale behind that is that the reader's supposed to fill in some details by themselves so they stay interested, if you will.
Might've gone overboard with that, though, if you say so.
GuiedGui
28 Sep 2020 14:52
In reply to Gemini Guardian
Thanks :]
Dialogue really isn't my specialty, and I'll definitely hammer that out next time. Thanks for that!
Also, I realize that I misplaced a paragraph. Thanks for pointing that out :sweat_smile:
I realize now that a lot of the transitions are kinda jumpy, like you said. To be fair, I could've denoted everything with , buuut that'd be wacky. I'll try to smooth that out, thanks!
I was personally torn to bits about how to end the story. In the end, I just did whatever, but only after about 1 week of thinking about it off and on. I still don't know what would be ideal for ending this story.
I'm still looking forward to the next chapter of OoT, but I'm very glad that you wrote this in the meantime!
GuiedGui
28 Sep 2020 11:58
In reply to Draconid_Jo
It's more like I had a random spurt of inspiration and wrote this quickly.
Also, I kinda feel iffy about my skills as a writer, so I'm likely to focus on other things before I write OoT again.
Draconid_Jo
29 Sep 2020 06:43
In reply to GuiedGui
Really? Well, it's certainly good for a "random spurt of inspiration", lol!
And OK, but don't make me wait too long, lol! (JK, lol!)
GuiedGui
29 Sep 2020 12:38
In reply to Draconid_Jo
I'm considering writing another story with a focus on transitions so I can actually write well.
But in terms of OoT, it might be until December until I get to it... sorry
Draconid_Jo
30 Sep 2020 09:28
In reply to GuiedGui
Well, I personally think that you're already a great writer, but anything you can do to try to become even better is fine by me.
And it's cool, I can wait.
I mean, people have been waiting for the 4th chapter of MoD for almost a year now, lol! (It's not something that I'm particularly proud of, but I unfortunately can't do very much because of my RL problems.)
GuiedGui
30 Sep 2020 12:31
In reply to Draconid_Jo
Alright, good to know! ^^
Draconid_Jo
01 Oct 2020 07:47
In reply to GuiedGui
BTW, have you had the chance to check out MoD yet?
GuiedGui
01 Oct 2020 12:16
In reply to Draconid_Jo
Unfortunately, no. Literally everything else is hogging my time, unfortunately.
I'll get around to it eventually, though. Don't worry.
Draconid_Jo
03 Oct 2020 01:56
In reply to GuiedGui
It's cool, lol! (I tend to be pretty busy all of the time myself!)
This reminds me of that one 'barber dude' who killed people that sat in his chairs. The chairs had a lever or smth, and took them down into the basement of the business, and the dude killed them and sold bits of 'meat' to a pie lady.
I didn't want to take up space on the blog itself for the author's note, so here it is.
I kinda wanted to write a short story after being inspired by the work of Phillip K. Dick. Namely, the Adjustment Team and We Can Remember It for You Wholesale. They were written way back when, and my writing... kinda feels that way too. Except with more modern English because I can't help myself in that regard.
This, in my mind, really just was an exercise in manipulating a lack of information. I did better than my average, but still all kinds of shoddy all around. Please, if you have any feedback, please let me know. I'm all ears! ^^