Johnny was a biit down latly, he'd bombed his math test, just got dumped, and his little sister, Jenna broke his Dsi. this last problem was more vexing than the others simply because he had recently found this really awsome site called Dsi Paint. so, after school hes got home, no one was there.
" thats odd" he thoght aloud, "usualy the sitter is here".
He settled in to watch some TV, when he heard a thumping noise.
"hm....well must of been the water heater" he ponderd.
After his TV splurge, he had some dinner, consisting mainly of KraftDinner and pop tarts.
" wow mom and jenna are really late today".
After supper, he lokked around his house, as he had just moved in, and was curious about his new house.
"now to check the basement!" he said proceeding towards the door.
When he opened the door, some thing touched him, and he was pulked in, leaving nothing but the smell of pure fear, and a scream of pain echoing off the walls.......
okay, so this is my first story, how is it? i've never really been much of a writer so this is a bit of a leap for me, if you really like it, lrave a story request in the comments! Thanks, guys! -GrOuNd HoG
Just some constructive critism: Work on detail ex: what do the chars. look like, elaborate more about his exploration of the house,details!
look how details change it: As Johnny slowly pulled open the door it gave a slight creek. He felt some thing, or some one brush his arm causeing a shiver to run down his spine. Before he relized what was going on some one grabbed hold of his shirt and snatched him in leaveing nothing but the unpleasent scent of fear and a hollow scream of agony echoing around the walls....
Sry, just wanted to proove details matter with that ↑
Also, work with your adj. and action verbs, it really makes a diffrence :3
Just to be clear, im not trying to be mean xD i want to provide advice from one author to another, just ask if you want to know anything else but no promises ill know ^_^
I apologize for spelling errors btw, thats my weak point xD
accepted, reason: you can tell you've done your best. You need some work when it comes to the conversations between the characters in your story, but you'll learn as you go along, I'm sure, that's what trial & error is all about
By GrOuNd HoG
Ajk 89
Astra Moon
