One day when he was being nice to me, he told me about a thing called a "Fight or Flight Response". He said it's what always made me want to run away from him. After that, I tried to stop running away all the time. I tries to stop backing away when he tried to touch me and I tried to stay still without having to be tied down. But, in the end, nothing really changed. I still ran away when I got the chance and…I still want to run away now.
I don't want to stay here.
I don't feel safe just sitting here in this plain white room, where everyone's so nice to me. They shouldn't be. I don't deserve it. He told me that all the time, and he was hardly ever nice to me. I knew what to expect from him. These people…I just don't understand.
I sigh, holding my teddy bear up above my head, my arm protesting due to the I.V. The nurse asked me to try to understand my family, because they missed me, but I don't think I can., I know what it means to miss someone; I do. It's just that…I've never missed anyone. I've never really had anyone to miss besides him, and the only thing I miss is the certainty that he provided me with. Nothing else. I don't really miss him, not like my family missed me.
But, I have to wonder: am I even worth it?
They've missed me, but they don't really know me. The nurse said I was kidnapped seven years ago, so they knew and missed the five year old me. They've never even met the six year old me or the seven year old me or… the twelve year old me I am now. What if they're expecting me to be the same person I was seven years ago? I don't even remember what I used to be like, so how am I supposed to be that person for these people? What if I can't be that person? What if they've missed that person so much that they'll wish I never came back? What if all I do is hurt them more than they already are?
I just don't know.
I don't think I could live knowing I'd done something like that.
With a muffled thump, I allow my teddy bear to fall to my chest as I roll on to my side, cocooned in blankets. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see a woman looking through the glass on the hospital door, looking in on me, watching me. She's been there for a long, long time. I can't really see her face, but…I think she's part of my family. And, I think she wants to talk to me. But, what's going to happen when I don't want to talk back?
When I can't talk back?
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"Hey, you okay?" I nod slowly, holding my teddy bear close. He smiles, sitting down at the foot of the bed, watching me with his light eyes. "Your family's waiting outside in the hallway. Are you ready to meet them?" I bite my lower lip, knotting my fingers together. No, I'm not. I'll never be ready to meet them. I don't…I don't want to disappoint them. "You know, Taylor, I could let you meet them somewhere else instead of here. I could do that, if that's what you want."
"W-what do yo-u m-mean?" I ask in my broken speech, watching him through my oversized eyes as I lean just a little bit closer, because…I trust him.
"I could take your family to one of the vacant rooms and then, I could go in with you and if you wanted to leave, all you'd have to do is say so. And, I could bring you back here when you were done. Would you like that?" Slowly, I nod my head. I wouldn't be trapped in here. I could…leave if I wanted to. I wouldn't be all by myself. I think I like that… "Okay." And, he flashes that smile at me, tousling my hair before stepping away from the bed. "I'll be back to get you in just a few minutes," he says, still smiling at me. Then, he leaves, and I'm all alone again.
I don't like being alone.
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It hurts to breathe.
I feel like my chest is closing in on my lungs and everything just hurts so much. So, so much. We're standing outside a white door, and the nurse hasn't let go of my hand yet. There's no going back now. I can't just say no. That I don't want to do this. I can't do that. These people have been waiting for me for seven years and, even though I don't remember them, I used to know them. I used to love them too, right? And, maybe I can love them again and they can love me and…that's all I really want.
My heart drops as the nurse opens the door and pulls me inside, my sock clad feet sliding a bit along the tiled floor. He pulls me towards the middle of the room and makes me stand in front of him, so I can't hide from the three people staring at me. A woman walks up to me- slowly, carefully- holding her hands to her mouth, tears running down her cheeks from her dark green eyes. And…she looks like me.
We have the same thin frame, and the same sharp chin. The same button-like nose. The same long, slender fingers. The same dark brown hair. And…I think this woman is my mother.
She leans down to level, knocking her knobby knees against the hospital's sterile flooring, and reaches her hand out towards me. My breath quickens as I try to back away, but the nurse won't let me, holding me in place by keeping his firm hands on my boney shoulders. I squeeze my eyes shut as I feel her smooth fingertips touch my cheek. They slide across my nose and over my lips before they move away to tuck a lock of hair behind my ear. Slowly, I open my eyes, and she's crying, just staring at me.
"Do you…remember me?" she whispers, running her fingernails through my hair. And, all I can do is shake my head and watch as her face crumples. The nurse lets go of me as she pulls me to her chest, hugging me, crying over my shoulder. And, I know it must hurt her even more that my back tenses and I can't hug her back.
"I-I'm sor-ry." I whisper, pulling back, because I just…don't feel safe. She shakes her head, touching both sides of my face with the palms of her hands.
"No, no, baby." she says, lovingly rubbing her palms in circles along my cheeks. "Don't be sorry. It's okay. It's not your fault, okay. You didn't do anything wrong, baby. You didn't do anything wrong." She smiles at me, a sad, sad smile, and I try to smile back. Her eyes light up at that, like it makes her really happy. "Do you know who I am?" she asks quietly, still touching my face with her smooth, gentle palms.
"Y-you'r-re my m-mother." I mumble, turning my feet inwards, the blue socks crinkling around my toes. And, she nods, smiling at me.
"Yeah, that's right. Do you know who that is?" she asks, moving to the side of me and pulling one of her hands away to point to a boy a few feet away. He smiles kindly and waves with two fingers, like they do in movies sometimes. I wave back, biting my lip and shaking my head." She laughs quietly, mostly to herself. 'That's your brother, Trevor; he's five years older than you are. The two of you used to run around outside and climb this big tree in the backyard. You always used to get so mad when he wouldn't help you climb up because you weren't quite tall enough." She grabs my hips and turns me towards the side gently- always gently. "Do you remember him?" she asks, still happy and smiling at me.
And, I really can't breathe.
I feel my breath quicken as my ribs clamp down on my lungs, my eyes widening. My mother looks at me, concern in her green eyes, but I have to get away. I have to get away. I scramble away, my mother letting go of my hips easily, grabbing the nurse's hand and squeezing it as hard as I can, trying to make him understand that I have to leave. That I can't stay here. Not with that man. That man with his dark hair and pitch black eyes.
In less than a minute, the nurse has me safely hidden in a corner of the hallway, his hands on my shoulders, his voice telling me to breathe, asking me over and over again: "What's wrong, Taylor? You were doing so well. What's wrong, Taylor? You need to tell me what's wrong." And, all I can do is shake my head from side to side, the brown locks slapping my cheeks, because…I can't even begin to tell him how much those eyes and that hair terrify me.
He'd never be able to understand.
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"Do you know what happened? Is he okay?"
"He's fine, ma'am. We believe that he had a minor panic attack due to your husband's appearance."
"My appearance…? What does that have to do with Taylor?"
"We believe that Taylor had a reaction due to the similarities between your appearance and his attacker's appearance."
"But he's my son!"
"The doctor believes that Taylor should be able to overcome the similarities in your appearances- both yours and the attackers- with the help of therapy."
"What am I supposed to do until then? I can't touch him. I can't talk to him. I can't even stay in the same room as him! What am I supposed to do? What are we supposed to do? Tell me that."
"I can't, sir. However, I can tell you this: Taylor has already made remarkable progress. He might come around sooner then you think."
"But, how soon is that?"
"Dad…give him some time. At least we know he's alive."
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I squeeze my eyes shut as the doctor touches my wrist, disturbing the I.V. I feel his fingers push down on my skin before he grabs my chin and checks my throat. "There we go." he says, a smile in his voice. "You're looking good. You should be able to go home soon." Sighing, I open my eyes as I hear him walk out of the room.
Yeah, home. Where ever that is.
Pulling my knees to my chest, I lean against the bed's mushy pillows, watching my teddy bear sitting so carefully on the bed's edge. I don't know what I'm going to do. My family seems nice enough…but I don't know if I'll be able to adjust to living with them what if I act completely differently than they expect me to? What if they find out what he did to me? What if they can't handle knowing? What if they're ashamed of me? What if they send me back to him? What if he com-
"Hey." I jump, my hair falling into my eyes. "No, no. Don't freak out." I take a deep breath and look towards the foot of my bed, where Trevor's standing, half of his bottom lip firmly locked in between his perfectly white teeth. I cock my head to the side and he smiles just a little bit, watching me. "Umm…would you mind if I stayed here with you for a little while?" I shake my head and he climbs up to sit on the edge of the bed.
We look a lot alike. We both have the same frame as mom and the same chins and long, spindly fingers. We look like we're brothers. And, I think I like that. He's tall and lean, with jet-black hair and eyes like moms. He seems…nice, like we used to be close and I just don't remember it.
"You're staring." he smirks, leaning his chin on his knee, curling up the same way I do sometimes.
"I-I'm sor-ry." I mumble, tilting my toes inwardly.
"No, don't be. It's fine." He leans back, smiling, his head cocked just a bit, one hand hidden from view. "You know, mom said you didn't remember us at all." I nod slightly, watching him. "That's okay. You were really little. But…you aren't anymore, are you? So, what have you been doing for the past seven years? Mom and Dad won't tell me anything." My breath quickens, my lungs able to take in enough air. I know he's just curious, but…he wants to know. He wants to know. He wants to know. I shake my head, backing away, pulling my knees to my chin, hiding myself. "Hey, hey, don't freak. Don't freak. It's okay. You don't have to tell me anything." I nod slowly, trying to breathe, and he smiles. "I'm sorry. Mom told me not to say anything."
"I-it's ok-ay." I whisper, a sad smile tugging on my lips.
And, he leans away from me, watching me with those green eyes of his. After a while, he shakes his head and gets up, holding up a chocolate brown teddy bear from the side of the bed. "I thought you might like another one." he mumbles, handing over the bear. And, as I tug the stuffed creature to my chest, I can't help but think that maybe the two of us will be okay. If we were close before, then we could be close again, couldn't we? I hope so.
I really hope so.
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I blink, slowly sitting up in bed, the hospital's white sheet sliding into my lap. Crying. I know I heard someone crying. I know I did. Carefully, I slide out of bed, my sock clad feet barely insulated against the hospital's tile floor. I pull the I.V. needle out of my arm slowly, not really caring about the ruby red stream dripping on to my fingers. Quietly, I step away from the bed, making sure the two bears are leaned up comfortably against the mushy pillows, and slip into the hallway, squinting against the hallway's bright lights. I know I heard someone crying; I know I did.
And, as I look down the right side of the hall, I know who.
Sitting in a lone chair, there's a man, the clear picture of misery. He's doubled over, his head in his hands. And, I can see the clear tears silently running through his fingers and down his arms. His black hair droops, tickling his ears, as he just…sits there, right across from my door.
My breath quickens as I see him. I could just go back. He hasn't seen me yet. He wouldn't notice if I just slipped back in to my room. It would be like I wasn't even here. Except…I am here and he's crying. And…
He's my dad.
Taking a deep breath, I tiptoe over to him, stopping less than a foot away. He doesn't look up. He doesn't even notice me. That's okay. Shaking, I tap his shoulder. He jumps, causing me to jump as well, those dark eyes staring at me. And, I don't know what to do. I just stand there, nervously biting my lip.
After a moment, he pulls his hand up to my face, and I flinch away, but that's okay, because he touches my cheek anyway. He doesn't stop crying as he pulls me to his chest and holds me close, touching my lower back and burying his head in the crook of my neck. If anything, he cries a thousand times harder than before. But, that's okay. Everything's okay, because this time, instead of just standing there, I was able to hug back.
And, I'm sure that's all he really wanted.
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"Here you go." The nurse smiles, placing my teddy bears in my lap as the rest of my family starts to buckle their seatbelts. "Now, if you ever need anything, just call and ask for Jake Sims, all right?"
I smile slightly, curling my toes. "I-I thin-k I-I'll be f-fine."
"Yeah, yeah, kid." He leans in and tousles my hair before sliding the van's door closed. He waves as we disappear out of the hospital's parking lot and leave the building behind. And, I know how strange it seems, but I'm sad. I felt safe there as time went on; safer than I've ever felt before. I'll miss it. I know I will. But, that's okay. Maybe I'm going somewhere even better.
Comfortably, I pull my knees up to my chin and watch the world go by through the window. It's funny to think about, but I was running down streets similar to these not too long ago, terrified of everything. And, I guess I'm still terrified. I think I'll always be just a little bit terrified. But, isn't that normal? Aren't I supposed to be terrified, to be scared?
I sigh to myself, looking forward. In the front seats, Dad is driving and Mom is leaning her head against the window like she's about to fall asleep, her that's just like mine hanging carelessly in her face. She looks happy. Right in front of me, in the middle row of seats, Trevor is leaning his back against the van's door, his legs spread out across the seats. His eyes are closed, earphones hanging in his ears. I smile, because I know he's already asleep.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see a house on a hill, surrounded by darkness. Past the cold cement block by the front door, there's nothing but cave-like rooms and dim lighting. There's a bed in the back of the house, hidden by a slim bookcase that leads to a tiny room. The sheets are stained a dark red, droplets of blood scattered here and there, scratchy from hardly ever being cleaned. Connected to the headboard, there is a set of ties: they are a light green, faded from years of use. A gag is hanging so comfortably against the paneled wall, waiting for another day.
It's all still there.
And, I'm not.
I'm not there anymore. I'm not spread across that bed. My wrists aren't tied; my mouth isn't gagged to keep the screams from escaping. I'm not trying to keep the sounds in so I don't choke. I'm not squeezing my eyes shut because I don't want to look at those dark orbs anymore. I'm not…even there. I left.
And, I am never going back.
With a sharp turn of my head, I'm looking back into the van. Away from the window. Away from that house. I'm looking at my family. At dad's concentrated posture. At mom's smiling face. At Trevor's sleepy eyes. And, maybe everything's going to be okay. Maybe everything is going to go exactly like mom wants it to. Maybe everything will go how I want it to. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
I really hope maybe is good enough.
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~-~Three Years Later~-~
"So, this is your last session?" Dr. Wiles asks me, smiling at me with that sweet, sweet smile. I nod, smiling just a little bit myself, knotting my fingers in a near habitual manner.
"Yes, ma'am. I told them everything yesterday." Her eyes light up at that; she's been waiting for me to tell them for over a year now. "Mom cried a lot and Trevor looked like he was going to be sick."
"What about your father? How did he react?"
I shake my head at that, pushing my mop of hair out of my face. "He punched a hole in the living room wall. Mom wasn't even mad."
Her eyes crinkle as she watches me fidget about like I always do, my feet tapping and turning inward, my fingers continuing to knot. "Are you glad you finally told them?"
"Yes, ma'am." I smile to myself, knowing this is why I came here today. "You know, I've always thought that they would hate me once they found out everything he did to me. That they would treat me differently. That they wouldn't want to be around me anymore. But…nothing like that happened. After it was over, mom hugged me for a long, long time. She kept telling me how much she loved me. And…just how sorry she was. I didn't like that very much."
"Why?" she asks, an eyebrow rose in question.
"Because I felt like I'm the one who should have been apologizing. I made her cry. Again. I've made her cry a lot since I came back…I've made dad cry too. And, Trevor. I don't like making people cry." She shakes her head, crossing her legs with a slight smile.
"I suppose you wouldn't, would you?"
"Not at all, ma'am." I laugh a little, standing up and grabbing my school bag off the floor. "Anyway, that's all I wanted to say; Danni and Jace are waiting for me downstairs. I'll see you around, Doctor."
"Hey, wait." I turn away from the door back to her, and she has a smile on her face, a real one. "You turn sixteen in a few months, right, Taylor?" I nod. "How about you drop by afterwards? We have some part time jobs open; I could save you a spot."
I smile. "I'd like that."
"Okay, Taylor. I'll see you then?"
I nod. "Yes, ma'am. I'll see you then." And, I'm walking down the plush green hallway, my bag balancing on my shoulders.
Three years seems like such a long time. I've changed a lot. Mentally and physically. I can talk again, like I used to be able to, and I'm not always terrified of going back. My parents would never let me go back anyway. And, that's fine, because no part of me wants to go back. I'm no longer plagued by panic attacks and even the nightmares of that time have all but disappeared. According to the doctor, I'm perfect, a true success in her eyes. I don't know if I'd go that far yet, but I'm getting there. I'm okay. I've grown up a little bit. I'm a few inches shy of six feet and a way too skinny to be healthy and my hair is too long again and I still can't stay home alone without freaking out and nearly calling the cops, but…that's fine. Everything's fine.
I'm perfectly okay.
"Hey! Earth to Taylor!" I blink, smiling as I see the short little blonde girl looking up at me, pouting; I hadn't even noticed she was there. "Geez, I thought we'd lost you there for a minute. Did everything go okay?"
"Yeah." That makes her smile, her perfectly straight teeth shining through. "Where's Jace?"
"He went outside to call his dad a few minutes ago about something or other. You know how it is." She shrugs. "You ready to go?"
"Yeah."
"Coolio." And, all I can do is smile as I follow Danni out of the building. Because, for me, this is the proof.
By @rileys
