The song of the wolf : 1 By DeviantHawkeye

By @DeviantHawkeye
POSTED: 13 May 2012 13:26
CATEGORY: Short Story
FEATURED: Yes (@Nope.avi)
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Jessica walked into her new room, studying eveything and realising how empty and cold it looked. Her nerves were going wild, and her stomach wasn't helping.

A knock on the door brought her out of her trance as she pulled her hood over her face. She opened the door, and there stood a girl she had seen around town. Jessica took a moment to study the girl, taking in her nervous face."Your..um...father wants to see you and your brother? So..um.."

A pang of guilt crashed in her chest. Her cold demeaner and empty silence made everyone in this town feel uncomfortable. Not responding Jessica walked past her,closing her new room door behind.

What did that man want now? Her jaw locked and her body tensed . Reaching her brother down the hall, they walked step in step to the living room, a frown already pasted on her face.

Arriving and taking in everything of the room as she always did,a deep voice that always managed to ruin her day spoke loud and clear. "Today, the town will be going into the woods..."

'Here we go.'The town was always doing weird things, unfamiliar to her.They were close,always in and out of her house.She thought this was odd, she'd never seen a town so dependent on each other.Lightly sighing and locking her jaw, she decided to suck it up. She only needed to live in this town for 2 months,then she could be left alone with no one else but her.

A loud crash came from the front of the house and everyone jumped and turned around.Tears streaming, face red, Ms.Mairden came racing in. "They're coming!! I can't take it knowing they're coming!!!!" She sobbed loudly.Jessica's eyes went wide as her heart raced from the sudden noise and she jumped back.

Her father and two other men quickly tried to calm her down before she was rushed out.

"You'll have to excuse me,there's some things that I need to take care of. Be ready for the trip in two hours."And with that, her father left.

Damien turned to Jessica looking just as alarmed."Well then."

+2 -0

inSein
28 May 2013 21:07

I was looking in my comments and ... Dead body chair.

DeviantHawkeye
17 May 2012 01:27

That's the thing. I didn't want her personality to be shown in the first blog. I have it shown in the second blog. You'll see that she's quiet and stuff. That's why I didn't make her say anything, but mainly observe.

Yeah, I wasn't sure how to word it.

Thanks you guys.

inSein
17 May 2012 01:24

The first thing I noticed was this:

"She thought of it odd, she'd never seen a town so dependent on each other. Lightly sighing and locking her jaw, she decided to suck it up."

The wording confused me. "She thought of it odd". It could be, instead, "She thought odd of it", or "She thought this was odd" (I'm weird and these are the sort of things that get to me... I'm usually wrong about wording though o-o)

Other than that, I don't think we saw her personality enough or what she thinks of the world around her. As you told me, though, you plan on making a series of these. So this is a wonderful start.

Also, from an average reader's point of view....

What a weird town you've got there!

Epifex
16 May 2012 23:33

I guess it isn't too bad, but there are one or two points that could use tweaking.

For starters, I'm not sure in the firs sentence whether the boxes are in the process of being piled, or are already in piles. This is probably down to the "as" bit. Generally you'd only use "as" if two things are both in the process of happening, however the rest of the sentence says the room is empty of anyone to be piling them. Thus my confusion.

Also, the part where you put "He is no father of hers" is kinda wonky. If it's supposed to be external narration then it would read "He was no father of hers" to fit in with the tense of the rest of the narration. But if it were internal monologue, it should be "He is no father of mine" to fit in with the first-person viewpoint. It's not quite right either way. The awkward wording makes you kind of 'stumble' while reading, because it breaks the flow of words and stubs your toe.

Also, for her supposed renouncing of her father, she really doesn't seem all that angry at him. In fact the protagonist doesn't really seem all that emotional about anything. She's so objective that it's difficult to relate to her as a person. You need to lace the text with hints at her feelings. It isn't really enough to say "She was scared from the scene." A popular rule of thumb in writing goes "Show, don't tell," and it applies right here. Instead of saying "Jessica was scared," try describing actions, thoughts and emotions which hint that she is scared. Whitening knuckles, teeth chattering, heart pumping, etc...
All that kind of stuff is gold.

The song of the wolf : 1

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