We periodically hear on the news how so-and-so-athlete has been caught using steroids to enhance athletic abilities for winning games or breaking records. This has become a huge problem, which, it seems, will never go away. There have been hearings and trials involving gaming associations or politicians. In the end, this leads to a great deal of shame and constant bickering.

What I don't understand is this: Why can't people be honest with themselves? They are hurting their own futures with their shameful actions. All this squabbling is a waste of time. I'm generally against more regulations in the free-market, but perhaps some new regulations need to be put into place to fix this particular issue.

Anyways, without further ado, let me just come out and say it: Shame on you, politicians and sports association leaders. Please act like grown-ups! We watch these poor athletes for their superhuman abilities. These are abilities that leave us in awe, yet make us jealous. We need to get past all this lowly fighting and come to a solution. Here is my proposed regulation:

1. All professional athletes are REQUIRED to use steroids to enhance their performance on the field or in the arena, unless medical medical reason disallow it.
1(a) When steroids are not used, athletes must achieve an equal level with their colleagues through one of the following non-traditional methods (in this order): genetic engineering, blood doping, or daily physical exams after gym workouts.
2. Failure to comply with this regulation results in immediate cross-training as a sportscaster or a spokesperson for the "detrimental effects of non-steroidal use by professional athletes."
3. Only in the event of failure of an athlete to comply can politicians and sports association leaders complain about improper steroid use.