Hello, everyone. I don't know if this can really be considered a story, but I already wrote it out, so... there you go. Enjoy.

A Sort of Short Story

I'm a comedian. I know that may come as a surprise when you consider how serious I always am with everything, but it's true. Most people who know me in real life would be surprised too. I'm usually a totally stoic, no-nonsense person, but deep down I've always had a passion for comedy.

I don't really bring this up often because when people hear that you're a comedian they always ask you to tell a joke, but the problem is that most of my material is inspired by some rather dark humored comedians. It's really not appropriate for everyone. It's because of that that I only perform in certain environments.

It can be hard to find the right place to perform. I sometimes end up in some unusual places. And a lot of the time I get cut off and have to finish up early. You'd think money would be a problem, but still, I manage to pick up enough to get by.

Most comedians aren't too comfortable performing at the places I do. They're not really used to the environment; most comedians go for more traditional comedy clubs, but the places I go aren't typically known for comedy.

Clubs, especially here in LA, they're not too strict about performing. A lot of people just show up, ask to perform, and that's about it. You go up, do your act, and leave the stage. It's pretty normal to hang around a while to watch the others perform.

It's really a different feel when you compare that to where I usually play at. You see, the places I perform aren't exactly meant for entertainment so much as for general wellness. To be a bit more clear, they're really more like centers for treating illness. I'm told "hospital" is a good word to describe them. Elderly homes, health centers, rehab, things like that.

I know how that must sound, but it's not unheard of for a comedian to perform at a hospital. You get invited to cheer the patients up. That may be why I get cut off so much. I think they probably just have a problem with it when you come unannounced, but honestly I think it just adds to the experience for the patients and the hospital staff if they think I'm just a stranger in a gorilla mask visiting someone and then I suddenly start telling murder jokes.

So anyway, once I'm past the front desk I'll usually head to the nearest ward. It's a big audience and it gives me a subject to poke at. For example, at the maternity ward I go around poking the women's tummies.

When the hospital staff asks me what I'm doing there I'll explain I was invited to perform and tell them to go check with the front desk. That usually buys me enough time to sneak out before security shows up. That's why I don't hang around much after I perform.

I mentioned before that I pick up enough money to get by. I should probably clear that up a little. What I meant was that I literally "pick up" money and use it to "get by" on the bus. They don't usually hand you a paycheck on the way out when you sneak into a hospital, lie to the staff, jab the patients while talking in a Cookie Monster voice, and then get dragged out by the security guards. What I do on the way out when I don't get caught is just grab whatever looks valuable, sell it to this guy in a trench coat who hangs out by the alley I sleep in, and use the money as bus fare to get to my next show. I guess I typically spend the day just performing and riding between whatever hospitals or clinics haven't plastered my face on the wall by the entrance yet. In that way, I guess you could say I'm like most successful comedians; I live on the road. Even if it's because I don't have a house. Some have described me as "homeless", whatever that means.

So that's about it. I hope you enjoyed my sort-of-story.