"REAL ESTATE: OPTIMISTIC PESSIMISM"

"The House of Scarborough"

"No construction defects here. Just bad management."

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QUICK SUMMARY OF THE HOUSE:

This luxurious and indefinitely abandoned dream house is beautifully condemned and stripped of all of it's necessities, just like completely livable homes should be nowadays... Well, okay, it was condemned, but then all of the completely sane Miley Cyrus fans rioted and ripped all the boards off of every damn thing, and the best part is that they did it JUST FOR YOU!! The home is also perfectly overpriced at a level in which no one could buy. Even if they did happen to be Chuck Norris. There is absolutely no privacy here and neighbors, strangers, and probably rabid wild animals will likely just come and go as they please. What's better is that no one has one of these, and this is your chance to be fatally humiliated by all those closest to you. Isn't that just fantastic?! Haha. Now, please refer below for further details on said "House of Shame":

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THE STORY OF IT ALL:

We got ourselves a major record breaker here, people!! This place is in possession of a whopping 1 bedroom, 1 bathroom, 1 living room, and 1 kitchen, but we use that as a closet. My partner and I, TacoRocco is his name by the way, each slept in that one bedroom. One bedroom... A beautiful room indeed. Nothing except hard cardboard in a space that is even smaller than the bathroom next door!!

Oh, and also by the way, the wall separating the two rooms has a hole in the bottom of it!! This allows us to conveniently keep watch on one another when one of us is using the bathroom!! How nice!! Our house knows what we need most!!

Anyways, back in the bedroom during the evening, each of us just picked one corner and side to the room and slept there. No, we didn't even have a bed...

...But, who wouldn't want to sleep in an extremely unfomfortable corner made of nothing but cardboard in a sweaty, old, falling apart, piece of crap house, am I right?!?! It sounds way too good to be true!! People would be lining up like crazy, not wanting to miss this totally bogus opportunity!! Hahaha!!

Throughout the night, Taco and I would rotate sleeping positons. You know, like the famous sleeping positions that have gained critical acclaim in those Hollywood movies everyone's been talking about. World renowned sleeping positions like: the upright fetal position, the standard "Leave Britney Alone!" fetal position, the sideways fetal position, and finally... The most popular, the backwards fetal position!!

We did all of these in those two opposite corners of the room. We sometimes even add in a little rocking motion to those sleeping positions, as well. It just makes them that much more explosive. Hell, we had the whole town at our knees with those moves!! Good times. Good times...

Quite often in the morning, we would even wake up outside from a hole that has somehow appeared in the wall at some point during the night. It was incredible!! It's like falling asleep in the most badass place on earth and then waking up in a field full of cow patties!! In which of course we would then frolic, but that's another story!! Haha.

As we are both guys, after all, the kitchen almost always stayed vacant and full of a very impressive spider web collection year-round!! It's even become a tourist attraction lately, too!! Instead of working and making our own dinner, we walked to the nearest 7 Eleven to eat. We walked because Madonna just had to crash our cardboard mobile. Oh and yes, we walk without shoes on, as the mice have eaten them all from us.

The two of us worked in high profile job positions and happen to have quite an assortment of cash at our disposal. But, we decided that it would be best to ignore that and live with no furniture, just like the hobos that we admire so much.

Our living room is actually very impressive. I mean, think about it. We lived in that room. Damn good at it, too!! Sitting on deteriorating cardboard for hours on end is truly living the lives of our long forgotten ancestors.

Our bathroom is know for it's highly popular caveman-style door, as it looks like it has been violently ripped out forcefully. It's really quite something!! As I said before, our bathroom is bigger than the bedroom. We spended most of our time in that bathroom. You know, talking about our love for cardboard and all...

The whole house is made out of, "Extremely Strong, Chuck Norris", brand cardboard, which just happened to be on sale at the aforementioned 7 Eleven. We keep the place together using the best, and most effective construction supplies out there: assorted types of tape, hot glue, and... CARDBOARD!!

Our wonderful home is insulated by blue styrofoam that is strategically placed up in the rafters. The home also has clear duct tape windows. These are very special windows, as they double as fly paper, and that they were fitted from the inside of the house. This epic defense mechanism will end up trapping humans, animals, and other random attackers, and leave them stuck to the outside of the windows for everyone to see in the morning. Lovely.

The doors were not as important to us, so we just don't have them. Therefore, the windows and insulation are completely pointless. So pointless, in fact, that the rabid raccoons snuck right inside and ripped the damn windows right off!! We still haven't gotten off our asses to fix them. Actually, as far as we're concerned, we haven't even noticed they were gone yet, but you didn't hear it from me!!

Our wonderful home is powered by completely useless, exclusive labled solar panels. These would have provided us with electricity had we had something to use the power they generated...

We also created a make-shift geothermal heat pump to provide us with the heat that we also cannot use. The energy generated from this pump will eventually build up and make the place explode someday.

HeeHee!! Isn't that just wonderful?!

We also have a very manly garden full of cardboard flowers. Well, we had one, at least. Britney Spears somehow stumbled onto our property and tried to sing again... The results were catastrophic. The blast caused an earthquake to rip the land from the bottom of the house, and with it, the geothermal heat pump... Now we have a stalker-man on the bottom of our house that we like to call George.

The last thing I have to say is how we passed the time. We did this through playing a variety of very popular, family-oriented games such as: "Catch The Cockroach!", "Lick The Cardboard!", "Whack-A-Hole!", "Window Attachment", and everyone's favorite, "Tape It... AGAIN!".

And... That's about it.

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ENJOY YOUR ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE BUNKER-HOUSE. IN WHICH HUMILIATION IS ALWAYS AROUND EVERY CORNER!!

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Explanation: Okay, so this is also from another project that I made in school during my freshman year. This article went alongside a cardboard house that my buddy, Alec, and I made in our Environmental Science class. We joked about it the whole time we were making it. When it was finally completed, we both agreed that it looked a whole lot better than what we had originally expected. But, it was also VERY decrepit. So, we made our explanation of our eco-friendly model house have a funny little story to it, as well. Well, that original story, I snatched and evolved it into this train-wreck. Oh, and we called the model, "The House of Scarborough", because the cardboard we used, ironically had my other teacher's name on it. Her last name, being Scarborough. Err.. It was Scarborough, but she got married over the summer and stuff, so not anymore. Lol. But, I had her sign the bottom of the story, and it was then granted the name, "The Deed of Scarborough". The house no longer exists, though. Over the summer, the custodians thought it was trash and threw it away!! I lol'd so hard when I heard that. It felt like justice had finally been served. Anyways, the story still exists, though. It was spared the wrath of the almighty school maids!!

Also, TacoRocco was NOT originally in this, of course. Instead it was my buddy, Alec. But, I replaced him with Taco because he was harrassing many people's blogs about not being in them, so... Yeah. HAPPY NOW, TACO?!?! Sheesh.

Okay, so the red text in this story indicated that the subject of the sentence was saying something in a diabolical manner. The underlined text was indicating what italics indicate. Unfortunately, there isn't a BBCode for italics, at least, as far as specific parts of the text goes. The underlined text also was pointing out sarcastic statements and optimism in pessimistic statements. Bolding indicated certain terms within the story and emphasis in some cases. In general, all of it added up to create a moderately hilarious real estate description with WAY too many things that we didn't need to know. All the same, my teachers loved the story quite a bit and I hope you did, too.

THANKS FOR READING!!