I've never liked writing. It's a pain. The only reason I don't hate it is because that'd take too much effort. Isn't it funny how often we end up doing exactly what we don't want to do?

I'm Just Like You

I sometimes run into articles geared towards helping people with their writing. There's a lot of advice out there, but what I see most often is that you should write about what you know. You should draw from your own personal experiences; it gives the writing a much more personal feeling and it helps establish a connection with the reader.

Sounds like good advice. I can understand how being able to see some of yourself in a character can help endear them to you. What's more appealing than one's self?

So, following that, I wonder if I can endear myself to you. What's something I know about which you, the reader, may be able to relate to?

I like the color pink. I don't wear it often, but I really like it as a color. All my favorite things are pink. I also love that one song, Pink, by Aerosmith. Those guys are really passionate pink. I wish I could get that excited over a color.

That felt a little underwhelming, didn't it? I'm sure I can find something better.

Have you ever played a prank on someone?

Back when I was in 8th grade I had this one classmate named Stephen. I couldn't stand him. In addition to generally looking terrible, everything he did and said annoyed the hell out of me. And he sat right next to me in half of my classes.

One day Stephen was absent from school, and this made me very happy, just as any of you would be happy to see someone you don't like go missing. You see? I'm just like you.

But that's not the end. Stephen happened to leave his notebook in his desk the day before, which meant I could just take it out and do whatever I wanted with it. I had the notebook with me and I was going through with the prank I had in mind. Again, just like you. Isn't it fun to be mischievous sometimes?

While I was talking to some friends, I had the notebook in my left hand and a stapler in my right hand. I spent the whole period going through every page and elaborately stapling them all together so that Stephen wouldn't be able to open any page without tearing fifty holes in the rest of the notebook.

That's a pretty fun prank, right? I bet the connection between reader and writer has deepened.

The next day I wore a scarf over my mouth so Stephen wouldn't see me laughing as he tried to unstaple his notebook. He kept cursing under his breath and accusing all his friends of having done it, which only made them smile and laugh a bit since they all knew I'd done it but was the only person Stephen didn't suspect.

By the way, Stephen and I didn't really know each other all that well. Thinking back, I'm not sure he and I ever actually spoke with each other at any point. I'm guessing that's why he didn't think I'd do that to him. After all, why suspect someone who'd never so much as looked you in the eye?

It took about three days before Stephen gave up on fixing the notebook and simply threw it out. He was pretty angry about it too. It had all his notes, which he needed since no one would lend him their's because earlier that year I'd paid off the whole class to never help Stephen in class. I was on very good terms with the rest of my classmates, so they all agreed pretty readily. I have to say, though, back when I did that I didn't think it'd pay off all that much, but after seeing Stephen struggle the rest of the semester I think it was worth it.

Stephen had a pretty hard time throughout most of middle school. Most people didn't like him all that much, but I guess it didn't help that all the while I kept doing things like leaving weird notes all around his classes and signing them as "Not Stephen". Most of the notes were about how attractive the Spanish teacher was or about things Stephen did in private. Another thing I did was arrive in class early and flip over his desk or replace it entirely with bits of cardboard or just write a rude note to him. People thought it was hilarious, and I guess it sort of caught on since it kept happening to Stephen way after I stopped doing it.

I suppose I should have apologized, but it seems like bad karma to have your first words to someone be about writing "I like my body the way I like my car" on all the unwashed faculty cars and signing it as them. More than once he got into some trouble for that.

Why is it when people see you put the slightest bit of effort into having fun they start using the word "obsessed" a lot? I think people are just lazy.

So, now that you've seen how I can be exactly like you, do you feel a deeper sense of connection with me now? I do. I feel very connected to me now.

Thanks for reading.