I'm not really someone who handles stress well. I rarely feel stress at all, so I don't often get a chance to learn how to deal with it.

I have no idea how or why I became such a nervous person, but now whenever something actually gets to me I really freak out. I don't know what happened, I definitely wasn't like this as a kid, but here I am now.

About the only thing that gets me nervous is when there's someone I have romantic feelings for and I have to talk to them after a long time of not seeing them at all. That sincerely throws me way off my usual rhythm.

It gets hard to breathe, I can't talk, my throats gets incredibly sore, and my heart beats much faster. It feels like I'm having a panic attack.

I bring this up because very soon I'm going to have to meet someone I had a very strong crush on a few years back, and now that I'm finally going to see them again it's got me pretty worked up. I'm mostly just afraid they'll figure out how I feel about them. I don't want that because for certain reasons there's absolutely no chance of anything more ever happening between us, and I'd rather avoid letting them know about the mess. It's better to try to forget and move on.

Still, I have to see them soon, and I was wondering if the things I have in mind are good with regard to getting through my upcoming ordeal. Please share any opinions you might have.

If I Hide My Feelings, Eventually I'll Die and Won't Have to Face Them

First off, let's call this person Alex, so I don't have to keeping using "they" and "them" when I avoid using gender-specific pronouns for them.

Anyway, the first thing I thought about was how to hide my nervousness. I don't want Alex to suspect anything because of how I look. A lot of people give away exactly what they're thinking by the expressions they make or their movements, so I thought it'd be good to maybe wear some sort of mask. Alex won't be able to see how happy it makes me to hug them. Also, if I use a mask with some soft material inside that I can use to wipe my cheeks, then Alex won't be able to see any loose tears I might have when I think about how I can never have them. I think I have an old Halloween costume that'd be good for this.

As for disguising my body language, I think I should probably take some sort of light muscle relaxer, that way my movements will be too sloppy to read. I think that'd help with relaxing my heart a little, so that's also good.

Other than that stuff, I guess there's just the talking to worry about.

I have to keep things casual and away from any romantic thoughts. I thought about saying something like, "Hey, how's it been? I'm in love with you, I always have been, and that probably won't change for a while. I never liked To Kill a Mockingbird, by the way."

I thought about that, but I don't really want to talk about how overrated that book is.

No, instead I think I'll talk about something I care about that'll keep my attention on something else for a long time.

I've always liked physics. It's great to see people talk about theoretical problems and situations, like my physics teacher once gave the class a problem about how long it'd take to impale a person using nothing but a giant stationary metal rod and the heat of the sun. We were meant to figure out how long it'd take for the metal to expand to the point that the end fully penetrates through James Bond's chest and back.

That's an interesting thing to talk about, right?

Let's go over this just to make sure I don't do anything weird.

First, I show up. I'll have my alien mask on to hide my face, so they can't see my expressions. I'll explain that I don't want to get sunburned, and that this species of alien is immune to UV rays.

We've got that down.

Now, I'll be on some medicine or something so I can relax. I'll probably need some help standing, so I'll tell them I'm on some sort of medicine and so I can't stand up straight, and I'll lean on them for support.

This is especially good since it'll allow me to be extra close to them, which will make me happy, but they won't suspect anything since my mask will hide whatever faces I make.

Then I'll say something interesting that won't tip them off to my true feelings; I'll say "Hey, did you know that at this time of the day it'd take such and such hours for a rod such and such long and such and such thick to jab through a human chest? You have to be careful when figuring this out though, since you have to take into consideration the average change in temperature throughout the day. By the way, To Kill a Mockingbird sucks. I can't stand it. Harper Lee should have gone into science instead. Did I tell you that as this species of alien I wouldn't have to worry about waiting all that time in the sun since we're immune to UV rays?"

I thought I should tell them who I am first because with my mask on they won't see my face, but I'm sure they'll recognize me anyway. My voice is one of my most distinct traits.

Any thoughts?