Tetris is about as close to perfection as video games may ever come. From the moment you boot it up, it is captivating. You see a shape slowly falling down the grid and you start to worry. You're like: "Whoa! Why is this comin' down? How do I stop this comin' down-? I don't want this!"

It is broadly apparent how much time you have left to decide where this thing goes.
So, you just... quick, drop it down. Without even thinking, really. And that snap decision will have hundreds of tiny ramifications behind it, which will haunt you for the rest of your days.

Its premise of trying to jam blacks into a tiny space is a really easy one to wrap your head around, yet there is so much going on, under the hood, that it still hasn't gotten stale three decades later.



How do you follow up such a legendary title?
Ladies and gentlemen...

Welltris.



For reasons far beyond human comprehension, the setup screen is accompanied by two ice skaters.



Welcome to Welltris! You have the beloved gameplay of Tetris, but in 3D, for no reason.



Looking back, it's obvious Welltris was merely a prototype for what would soon become Pázhitnov's true magnum opus...



Hatris.



Now, this is the kind of game that I can get into! I actually did a review on Hatris back in 2012 where I really go in depth about its various systems and the influence it had on the puzzle game scene.

Of course, Hatris would go on to become a blockbuster series in its own right, spawning more than 15 sequels, but that's a blog for another time.

For the fourth and final installment in the original franchise, developers Fear Inc. would strip Hatris back down to its core elements, with Faces... tris III.





This is one of those games that you just have to buy, for the title alone.
I mean, what are the fuckin' balls on this publisher to release a game called Faces... Tris III and it's actually the fourth game in the series.

That's like if they called it Out ...... 7 ........... 6: fake game.

The developers here were at a creative peak, but sadly, with their next game, they would have to reel their ambitions back in and play it safe with Tetris 2.



Now, what you have to understand about Tetris 2, is that this is actually just an easier version of Dr. Mario.



Then you have Tetris II, except with Roman numerals instead, because these people do not give a FUCK about anything! These are not the same games!



It is at this point that purchasing a Tetris title becomes a puzzle game of itself.
You might look at this cover art and go:



"Oh, Tetris Attack! That's Tetris-"
No!
Wrong!
Moron!
That's Yoshi.



"3D Tetris? Okay!"
"Well, that's just 3D-"
Nope.
That's Welltris 2. Think about it.





Then you enter the Nintendo 64 era.
This is where things would go from "fuck" to "VERY fuck."

Tetrisphere.



Why do you make this? Is it to mock me? Reggie is gone, okay? And this game is out there on store shelves 20 years ago. Let that sink in.



And while you, FUCKING children were playing Diddy Kong on your Nintendos, the REAL men were out here playing Tetris 4D on the Dreamcast!



And the first thing you're going to notice about Tetris 4D is that the game is played entirely in 2D.



This version came bundled with the Nintendo 64 Bio Sensor!



This is real. You would hook this thing up to your ear and the game would change depending on your heart rate.

As we've already established, the guy who names the Tetris games is a complete fucking jackass.

Which is why the next game would be called The New Tetris. Really, the title says it all. It takes everything you know about Tetris and flips it on its head by actually allowing you to play the normal game of Tetris.



This one actually introduced a lot of staple mechanics, like being able to see a ghost of where your piece would land and the ability to store a block for later.



But now Sony wanted in on the action.
They said "No! Don't play The New Tetris! Play this! The Next Tetris!"



But then Sega says: "No way, dude! Play this Sega Tetris with a 3D monkey!"



But then Capcom says: "No! Fuck you, Sega! Play Tetris Terror-Instinct which sounds like a fucking horror game!"



BUT THEN DISNEY COMES IN AND SAYS "OH, CAPCOM! YOU MOTHERFUCKERS! LOOK AT MY FUCKING MICKEY MOUSE TETRIS, GODDAMMIT!!!"



Then you have Tetris Worlds. This was the game to finally introduce the missing ingredient... A story mode.



By 2004, Tony Tetris was entering his sicko phase with Tetris Elements, Tetris Mania, Tetris Evolution, Tetris Zone, Tetris Party, Tetris POP, Tetris & Sonic at the Olympic Games...

For my sake, let's just narrow things down to the essential titles.

Tetris Friends is a web browser game where you can play against other people online. It's really easy to invite your friends, you can play with or without power-ups, and it has the neat idea of putting your attacks on a timer, which introduces another layer of strategy and luck.



Single-player wise, you've gotta check out Tetris Effect. This is easily the most stylish version yet with its beautiful backgrounds and soundtrack that morphs as you play.



Tetris 99. This is the first battle royale game I've played where you are consistently engaged in actual gameplay. It's very addicting, there is a lot of depth in how attacks are sent out (which I'm not sure actually matters) and there is only one song. Forever. Please add another song to this game.



Which brings us to the ultimate version of Tetris...



Not that one, though!

Tetris Splash!



When a gamer says: "Hey! Let's play some REAL Tetris!" This is the one they're referring to.



What makes this one so special? Well... First off, the game features an underwater background. Secondly, look at the... graphics. On the fish.

Also,